wow

I cannot explain who I am other than boyfriend, brother, and son. Labels that have been put upon me. One I put upon myself and the others, put upon me by others. i want to be the best of each of these three things but sometimes I feel as if there is no way to live up to the expectations that I have made for myself.
I love her with all of my heart and I can tell that we are going to be together forever if we work at it but it could be torn apart if one of us makes the mistake of just sitting back and not working for us. We have something that is just amazing and I cannot believe that I have her. She is the best thing for me now and forever. No other relationship I have ever had could ever live up to this. We are SO close and good together. I have promised over and over that I would give this relationship my all and I really feel like I will but it kills me when I think that maybe she could give up one day. But it is funny that right after I have thoughts like this I look down at my left hand where my promise ring from her is, feel complete and do not have any fear. I wonder if it is just cause I am a teenager or what but sometimes I feel as if everyone is against her and I. Like there is a big conspiracy against us and it doesn't help that my older brother says that I am whipped by her. They act like I have no control of my life because she controls me and I am so blinded by her that I do not see it... Actually I can see that i may be a little but is that wrong at all? She has influenced me a lot but not to the point that I can say that I have made life decisions because of her. I have made the promise to stay with her forever and I will make sure that happens. I just love her SO much.
I have been labeled a brother and son by everyone and i love it but sometimes I would like to remind them what their labels are, like: sister, mother and brother. I should not be the only one must be the source of happiness in our house. I feel like I have to wear a smile all the time and when I do not everyone is pissed... like seriously guys. when you are upset I have to put up with it. Well you cannot pick family and I wouldn't pick anyone else but it is hard to live with the though.
Labels are hard to get through and past but hopefully they are seen as good labels by everyone later on. Idk, sorry if this doesn't make any sense.
Daniel Kardos

Self? How are you doing?

Well well well... I have not blogged lately and I love this so I have no clue why I have stopped...
I have been an official Boyd senior at McKinney Boyd High School for about 2 and a half months :D. I love how everything has gone in my life for the most part and I am proud to say that I may have met my future wife! This last year in high school is huge for me and I it is almost scaring the total shit out of me... Luckily, I have been doing very well in school soo far and hopefully I get accepted into Collin College as soon as I get out of High School. Yes, I know that I said that I may have met my  future wife, and that is exactly true. I love her soo much and I do not know what I would do without her. She is amazing to me and no one else may have her :D...
Ok, I know that was short and pointless but I will go lol. Goodnight all

First Horoscope thingy :p

1:16AM
Your faraway friends and lovers are trying to get in contact with you. If someone has been on your mind a lot lately, look them up. It's not a coincidence. They're thinking of you, too.
Ok so that was my horoscope for the day. I am a Virgo, born in August. 
Soooo... My faraway friends and lovers are trying to get in contact with me? What friends and lovers? The girl I like a lot isn't exactly faraway and I am pretty sure that she isn't trying to get ahold of me. hmmm... That would be cool though lol. I wonder who exactly this is talking about... I would love to know right now cause there have been people on my mind and it would be freakin awesome if they were trying to get a hold of me. They are each really amazing people so that would make my day. Ok that is all for tonight cause I am getting pretty tired. Night
Daniel Kardos

Wow

Ok sooo tomorrow I am going to an advocacy center where people help families with needs, with my mom and younger siblings. We are supposed to be getting things like free hair cuts, shoes and school supplies. I really do not like taking things from others when they are free but at least we are going to be get the things we need.

I am a 16 year old without a job or a car and I cannot believe it. I feel like a bum sitting at home every day. The only thing that I can do that is good from just sitting here is go running. I have been running a half a mile everyday for the past 3 days and I plan on keeping it going. 

Today was easier on the run but I was still labored when I got done with it. It is kinda sad how much I gotta do to get in shape but at the same time it is something that I feel that I gotta do. No if ands or buts about it. I don't care. I woke up this morning feeling like I did not wanna go for a run but I did it anyway cause I figured that was the right thing to do. I need to take care of my health since that is the only thing I feel like I am in control of right now. I guess that is just how I am.. I need to be in control of at least one thing and if I am not then I don't know how it would turn out. 

OHHHH I have been playing Black Ops lately and it is really fun. I have gotten to level 39 and I am almost to 50! lol. It is a good thing to do to get my mind off of the heavy things and so I can just focus on something fun. :p Also I have been swimming a lot! I really like it now. I used to hate it cause of my insecurities and stupid stuff like that but since last sunday I just haven't really gave a fuck about how others look at me. I hope to get off this extra weight but in the mean time I will not care how others look at me. :D I am really happy with myself running even if it isn't exactly a lot of it. I am just glad that I can do it. 

Man, I didn't realize how much I was actually typing. I like blogging a lot and I think I am gonna keep doing it. ;)

Aight... :p I am going to go listen to some Eminem and think about life for a bit then go to bed :D. I think that I am going to start a blog series for each of my horoscopes I get everyday. Not sure though. I would probably just analyze em and then blog about how I feel about life in general :D.

Good night

Daniel Kardos

Blogging is helping me out a lot. I thought that I was gonna go to counseling to get everything off of my chest but all I have to do is just type it all up. I like this a lot better than the whole counseling thing :p. 

Moday, August 1st, 2011     1:35 AM

I have been going through a lot right now and I have no clue what to do about it.. There is a girl that I really like falling from my grasp and I can't stop it. There are people in my family that I want to just yell at. There is music seeping from my skin but I don't know how to translate it from imaginary to actuality. There are things at stake here that if I make a wrong move, my life will be a living hell until I turn 18. Until I am considered an adult by the "great" state of Texas...

What do I do? I have not a clue. Who can I turn to? I have a little bit of a guess at that one but all that could happen from me turning to them is that they get involved with my problems when all I have even really wanted to do is help others. I don't want people to have to worry about me. I don't want anyone to hurt, but sometimes I have come to know that I cannot do everything to help everyone. I am one that was made to help others out but I do not need to all the time although I may feel the need to every second of the day. People say that I say sorry too much but honestly they do not understand how big of a heart I have. I am here for anyone that needs it but there are times when I need someone to talk with, but then I just go back what I said earlier, "I don't want people to worry about me."

Soooo.... what is the next move to make?

Well, honestly there is really only one thing that I can do to make it so at least it feels like everything is okay, and that is listening to music. Music is my life and I can listen to it every day, every hour, and every second of the day. I cannot imagine making it through life without music. It has emotionally saved me way too many times to count. Eminem is my hero/idol and his music has helped me through a lot. Through, times when I was mad, times when I was sad, unhappy, happy, pissed, indifferent, loving, caring. A lot. Eminem is just a really good emotional booster whenever I needed it.

I walk around like I don't have a lot to say; a lot on my mind; like there is nothing wrong; like everything is going amazingly, but sometimes it just isn't and I do not break down 'til I have had way too much. I am really good at holding all my feelings in but terrible when it comes to expressing 'em.

I need a job! ha, I need one like really bad right now 'cause I am 16 going on 17 and in a year and a month, I will be 18, an adult. I don't even have a drivers license right now 'cause of stupid things that went on at my dad's. He took money from me then later on told me that he was taking money out of it 'cause they needed to change the locks. How dare he. I had $200 from my birthday and they only paid at most, $80 on locks for the house. Now he is saying that they used up all of that money but I got $200 again cause I ended up having good grades at the end of the school year. Now that all this stuff has gone down over here, I am not sure that I will be able to get even one cent of that $200. Not any. 'Cause my dad can be a jerk. Sooo back to the job thing... I need one!!! I am about to be a senior in high school and I will be one of the few that does not have either a job or a car/license. My birthday is coming up soon so maybe my family might give me some money to get drivers ed paid for. That is one of the things on the top of my list of really important things to do.

My list of things starting with most important things to me right now:
1) Get through High School
2)Go to College
3)Get a car/license
4)figure out what is going to happen with this girl and I (I hope this isn't a stupid goal) Okay it ended up being a pretty stupid goal... lol whoops
5)Get thinner
6)Have fun as a senior
7)Be a good brother
8)Be a good son

well, there you go for now 'cause that is all I can up with right now!

I am afraid that everything is going to go wrong soon and nothing is going to work out at all. I am going through a bunch but I will eventually get everything figured out. Probably lol. "Everything will be ok" is what I keep telling myself. And I totally believe that to be true but I just wish that it could be ok sooner. I am tired of waiting for my life to get itself together but at the same time I would have no clue on how to even meet it halfway, though I would try everything to do so.

I needed to write/type all this up so that I could just get some of the crap I am going through off of my chest. I am tired of keeping it to myself and it I do not wish to just go off on somebody like I have been doing lately with my siblings. I have been pretty hard on both Cayleigh and Matthew and I just want to be a good brother to them but with all this shit pilling up, it is really hard, but I am trying to work things out at least on paper. you know? This is a really helpful tool, and I am really glad to be able to have this time to get out how I feel.

I am done for right now :D Good night

R.I.P. Savannah Ramza

         Last night I was on Facebook and I caught one post that caught my eye... It was someone from Allen High School saying that they missed this girl I kinda knew that was also from Allen High, her name is Savannah Ramza, so I looked at it. I clicked on her profile and started scrolling down her page and reading all the posts that had been put on there. Many of the posts were from her best friends talking/venting to Savannah on her wall. One said "I miss you" another said "I hope you are doing great in heaven" and another said "you are a beautiful angel". At that moment I realized that something had gone horribly wrong. Then I looked at something that I didn't notice before. At the top of Savannah's wall where the tagged pictures are were pictures of a grave covered in flowers and surrounded by friends of hers. I read some of the comments on the pictures and they were pretty much the same type of comments that others had posted on her wall. After about thirty minutes of looking at her profile and all those pictures I still did not know what had happened so I messaged one of my best friends from Allen. Kyle Patterson is one of best guys I knew when I lived in Allen and we had a pretty decent relationship. I knew that I could trust him to tell me anything he knew about what had happened to Savannah. I messaged him at about 9:30 last night and he did not respond till 11:45pm. 
        When I woke up this morning I went straight to my computer to find out if Kyle had responded to my message. I turned on the computer, waited for it to take forever to turn on completely, got online, and logged into Facebook. Once the page loaded I noticed that someone had sent me a message for there was a red blimp pop up by the message box. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know what happened but then I pushed that aside and clicked on the message. The page loaded and the message read, "she was in a car accident during spring break." There was no explanation of how she got into a car wreck for he probably did not know but those nine words were all the explanation I needed. Savannah had died in a car accident around 3 months back and I did not even know. I mean, how does that happen? Why does that happen? Why would God let someone that young die... 
         All I can think about right now is that she is up in heaven right now. She is flying with the angels and she is in a better place. In some ways she is lucky to have been taken so young. I envy her in that respect and if I could speak to her friends and family right now (even if they don't know me and I may not know them) I would tell them that she is in heaven, she is living with God eternally, and she is watching over each and everyone of them with loving eyes. She loves you all and has some of the most loving friends and family.


R.I.P. Savannah Ramza