Moday, August 1st, 2011     1:35 AM

I have been going through a lot right now and I have no clue what to do about it.. There is a girl that I really like falling from my grasp and I can't stop it. There are people in my family that I want to just yell at. There is music seeping from my skin but I don't know how to translate it from imaginary to actuality. There are things at stake here that if I make a wrong move, my life will be a living hell until I turn 18. Until I am considered an adult by the "great" state of Texas...

What do I do? I have not a clue. Who can I turn to? I have a little bit of a guess at that one but all that could happen from me turning to them is that they get involved with my problems when all I have even really wanted to do is help others. I don't want people to have to worry about me. I don't want anyone to hurt, but sometimes I have come to know that I cannot do everything to help everyone. I am one that was made to help others out but I do not need to all the time although I may feel the need to every second of the day. People say that I say sorry too much but honestly they do not understand how big of a heart I have. I am here for anyone that needs it but there are times when I need someone to talk with, but then I just go back what I said earlier, "I don't want people to worry about me."

Soooo.... what is the next move to make?

Well, honestly there is really only one thing that I can do to make it so at least it feels like everything is okay, and that is listening to music. Music is my life and I can listen to it every day, every hour, and every second of the day. I cannot imagine making it through life without music. It has emotionally saved me way too many times to count. Eminem is my hero/idol and his music has helped me through a lot. Through, times when I was mad, times when I was sad, unhappy, happy, pissed, indifferent, loving, caring. A lot. Eminem is just a really good emotional booster whenever I needed it.

I walk around like I don't have a lot to say; a lot on my mind; like there is nothing wrong; like everything is going amazingly, but sometimes it just isn't and I do not break down 'til I have had way too much. I am really good at holding all my feelings in but terrible when it comes to expressing 'em.

I need a job! ha, I need one like really bad right now 'cause I am 16 going on 17 and in a year and a month, I will be 18, an adult. I don't even have a drivers license right now 'cause of stupid things that went on at my dad's. He took money from me then later on told me that he was taking money out of it 'cause they needed to change the locks. How dare he. I had $200 from my birthday and they only paid at most, $80 on locks for the house. Now he is saying that they used up all of that money but I got $200 again cause I ended up having good grades at the end of the school year. Now that all this stuff has gone down over here, I am not sure that I will be able to get even one cent of that $200. Not any. 'Cause my dad can be a jerk. Sooo back to the job thing... I need one!!! I am about to be a senior in high school and I will be one of the few that does not have either a job or a car/license. My birthday is coming up soon so maybe my family might give me some money to get drivers ed paid for. That is one of the things on the top of my list of really important things to do.

My list of things starting with most important things to me right now:
1) Get through High School
2)Go to College
3)Get a car/license
4)figure out what is going to happen with this girl and I (I hope this isn't a stupid goal) Okay it ended up being a pretty stupid goal... lol whoops
5)Get thinner
6)Have fun as a senior
7)Be a good brother
8)Be a good son

well, there you go for now 'cause that is all I can up with right now!

I am afraid that everything is going to go wrong soon and nothing is going to work out at all. I am going through a bunch but I will eventually get everything figured out. Probably lol. "Everything will be ok" is what I keep telling myself. And I totally believe that to be true but I just wish that it could be ok sooner. I am tired of waiting for my life to get itself together but at the same time I would have no clue on how to even meet it halfway, though I would try everything to do so.

I needed to write/type all this up so that I could just get some of the crap I am going through off of my chest. I am tired of keeping it to myself and it I do not wish to just go off on somebody like I have been doing lately with my siblings. I have been pretty hard on both Cayleigh and Matthew and I just want to be a good brother to them but with all this shit pilling up, it is really hard, but I am trying to work things out at least on paper. you know? This is a really helpful tool, and I am really glad to be able to have this time to get out how I feel.

I am done for right now :D Good night